Desperate Plea from Youth who needs to attend camp:
Dear beloved Sandy,
This is M.S.(for privacy) writing you. I would love to start off this mail with "How are you?", but I have to be egoistic enough to focus entirely on myself in this e-mail. I have basically hit rock bottom. You must understand how hard it is for me to even write this letter. I'm sitting here with a big lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I have totally failed at life. My mind is a BIG mess and I can't feel love from anywhere. I have enclosed myself in a bubble of concrete. I'm having a hard time explaining to you not only how I feel, but what my problems are. My sea of troubles seems to be endless, I'm getting hit by waves of pain and drowning in agony.
Every day I wake up and stare at the ceiling. Curtains down. It's always the same. I lay there staring until I feel strong enough to get up. I then stare at my dirty laundry spread all over my unclean apartment until I get the feeling of "Fuck It" and go take a shower. I smell my clothes to see which would give me the least foul scent. I don't eat. I go somewhere else to avoid drowning in my apartment. I feel no joy. I go home to a friend, hopefully to do my daily share of drugs so I may keep clouding the reality I'm in. I haven't had a real job in all my life, so my credentials are non existant. I'm in over my head in debts and the bills keep falling through my mail slot. If you would go to my place right now I bet you would find a bunch of unopened letters. Because I just can't bare knowing what it is I won't be able to pay for next. And because I just don't care anymore. I understand the whole "Get a grip" idea, but I just can't live it.
My love life is a joke. Since I feel unworthy of love, I have a hard time pursuing it. And since my clothes are ragged, my mind messed up and my wallet empty, I am not exactly being pursued. The last time I had a girlfriend is too long ago for me to even remember, I'm guessing somewhere around 6-7 years ago. So, needless to say, I go to bed alone and basically cry or laugh (when it gets too much) myself to sleep. I spend the last minutes of my time awake contemplating suicide. But more often than not my mind is so clouded when I go to bed that I don't even feel anything until I wake up the next morning. I have yet to try to kill myself, but the thoughts of an end haunt me.
It's been like this a few years now. I've "tried" to do somthing about it. I've tried different schools and such, but my depression always gets the upper hand. I can't find a purpose to anything. There is no purpose for me to work, because it will only make my days worse. There is no purpse for me to love, because it will only bring me pain. There is no purpose for me to exist, when all I do is search for a purpose. I'm like a rat in a wheel trying to run away from my future.
I'm still stuck in Simrishamn, which is definately contributing to the damnation of my soul. But how can I get out of here when I have nothing here? I realise that in a way not having something to keep me here would be a positive thing, but I don't have anything to get me out of here either. Although, upon further thought, I do have somthing here. I have basically my whole past, all my friends, part of my family and my pain here. Things which I can not run from.
I came home to my mother today. She's always asking me how I am, and the usual answer is "Fine". Which is a complete lie. I can't remember the last time I was fine. Anyway, we came to discuss my situation and I explained, in words a mother can hear without freaking out, that I have yet to find my interests. Nor have I found a real reason to live. For some reason my mother said "Sandy, this sounds like a job for Sandy." So she asked me to write you a letter, and I didn't spend a second hesitating. I don't know what it is I'm thinking you could do for me. I just have a lust for life, but a hunger for death.
I don't know what else to write. I've made myself cry now.
Lots of love
-M.S.
Mother Trying To Raise Money for her Son on eBay:
I have a 14 year old son who is a great kid, he is at a point in his life where he does not know which way to go, he has made some mistakes and is learning from them.
I want to give him the chance to learn how to give himself the tools that he needs to beable to turn into a healthy young adult. He is set to go into a program that will help him with this but the problem is that it's not cheap. You may ask why not counseling, well he is in counseling 1 hour once a week, but counseling will not provide him with all the tools he will need.
He needs to learn ownership for his decisons, and he needs to learn how to make the right decisons, to do this you must be able to communicate and not just with people in general but with yourself, meaning you must beable to decipher what it is that you as an individual need and want and how to go about getting it.
Some background on him, he is as I said 14, he has a wonderful kind, loving, heart and soul, but he has been hurt deeply, the person he needed and still needs in his life chooses to hurt him with words and expectations that no 14 year old could imagine meeting, due to this he has been very hard on himself, believing that if he is not good enough for his own father then he will not be good enough for much. I want him to see that he is worth something more and that he has to make himself happy and strong.
So why e-bay, I don't know maybe because so many people are out here looking for something, and maybe someone or lots of someones will find it to be a positive to help out a young person who is trying to find his way in this big world.
Please don't be cruel and e-mail me with smart alec remarks or advice, if you have something nice and positive to say great, if not then please keep to yourself. I am doing this for my son and he is the best thing in my universe and I want him to find himself and see why I think he is so great and I want him to be happy.
The program is called Youth on Purpose and if you want to see if it is ligitimate then check it out on: http://www.youthonpurpose.org/mission.html
What greater gift can we give our children than to inspire, encourage and support them in discovering their unique gifts and purpose and the sheer joy, passion, and freedom to pursue them?
Anything will help, and thank you so much.
--
D.D.
Mother of Jason, Shawn & Morrigan!
We refuse to turn this youth down due to the severity of his condition. He doesn't have the money to pay for the camp, so we are asking if you can help this youth in anyway please don't hesitate to donate. This could be life or death for this youth and he needs to be here. Your contribution is important, no matter the size.
To send a donation by mail, make check payable to:
Youth On Purpose USA
1609 Brookview Place
Bellingham, WA 98229